Clutch it Like a Gonk

We confidently predict that Clutch it like a Gonk is the least appalling Moon Wiring Club album to date. But don't just take our word for it ~ have a read of these solicited testimonials and make up your own mind.

'Ever since we ignored a strange young lady's seat reservation at the beginning of a scenic railway holiday, all our family have been slowly shrinking, and we can now only communicate through a disturbing combination of incoherent, guttural squeaks. CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK reflects our state of mind with devastating accuracy.’ ~ The Darnton Family
‘I was sent a free sample of Fancy Fizz ~ the Energetic Beverage. The taste, whilst revolting, nevertheless revealed to me what my life has been missing. It was as if the veil had been lifted. Life for me is now an endless party. All night, every night. It's always a party. Always. Our choice of music? CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK.’ ~ Ron Top
‘Sir, I recently released a double concept album of Bewildering British Inorganic Sounds (BISS) entitled 'STRIKE ME ON THE CONK'. When I say 'recently released', obviously I haven't actually written it, but several of your ideas and themes are almost identical to those that I haven't yet thought of. If you could send me complimentary copies of CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK, then I can set in motion the necessary renumeration discussions.’ ~ Tony Marzipan.
‘Sir, I recently spent a night at the theatre watching Always a Party! starring the incomparable Wendy Vymura. While I enjoyed the show, I couldn't help feeling as if I'd witnessed some of it before. And while I gladly bought a copy of CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK at the interval, when I retuned home I found I already had 43 copies of the album on my coffee-table. Curiously though, each one was ever-so-slightly smaller than the one preceding it. The effect of seeing them 'overlaid' in this manner was rather like peering down a spiral-staircase, and I began to feel an unusual nausea, then fainted. I'm not entirely sure what transpired, but I suspect the Moon Wiring Club are behind it. I fully intend to take this matter to the press, but first, I must hurry-along if I'm to make it to the theatre in time. I have tickets to see Always a Party! and I've been repeatedly informed by a close friend whose name momentarily escapes me that it is indeed a most splendid entertainment.’
~ Dr. Jelly Halliwell
‘Several days after purchasing a family-size block of Special Nougat as a tea-time treat, I find the pantry repeatedly crammed with carrots, and the croquet-lawn looks as if it has been folded inside-out. None of the staff claim to have any knowledge of how these matters transpired, and fail to take me seriously as I have recently sprouted whiskers, and a huge bushy tail. To cap it all, each evening before I retire for the night, I hear what sounds like the engine of a tiny motor-car circling the grounds of my estate, playing what I can only describe as 'mutated versions' from my favourite record CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK. Unless you can clarify exactly what is going on, I intend to remonstrate in the severest possible manner.’ ~ Lady Hazelmont-Potash

Ian HodgsonNovember 30, 2011