Leporine Pleasure Gardens (LP Edition)

LEPORINE PLEASURE GARDENS are the leisure destination of choice for both the determinedly discerning thrill-seeker and patient botanical connoisseur. Word-of-mouth reputation alone has made them the number one unlocatable attraction in the North of England for several years running, and while booking tickets has continually been likened to a 'duplicitous lottery of farcical proportions', those that have even caught the slightest whiff of LPG predictably find that the magic will never leave them.

Here at the Lovely Day we'd like to share with our valued readers a little of that quicksilver enchantment via the EXCLUSIVE / ILLUSIVE thoughts of Cathy 'Furze-Cat' Austwick; esteemed LPG tour guide and incomparable acrobat.

Sundays in Autumn are my favourite I think. People expect a more gentile pace to match the falling leaves. Although this year, what with the new attractions there's been more than ever to entice and enthral. And the growing popularity of artificial light. But then that's the beauty of Leporine Pleasure Gardens; something to suit all tastes. As long as you're prepared to enter into the spirit of things and make an exhibition of yourself.

If I was to choose what to see first, I'd probably acclimatise and take a sedate stroll around the grounds of the estate. You get a real feel of the size and space of the place. A lot of folks want to try everything at once, scampering around, stuffing their overwhelmed faces. Nothing wrong with that, but I've worked here for years and I don't think I've sampled all there it has to offer. Once in a while, when you see the big, fancy attractions from a distance you get a proper feeling of what they actually are. A perspective of opulence if you like.

There was a party up from down South last week. I think they'd caught the wrong train and fallen asleep at Dawncloister Junction. After the initial confusion and a few hysterics, I took them to the Alpine Tiffin World for hot loves and the new milk, gave them ten golden sovereigns for spends, then had their snapshots taken inside Ariadne's Dreamhouse. That settled them down nicely and they had a really smashing time for the rest of the day.

Although, now that I think about it, Audrey Tiffle who works in Octangular Sumerland did mention seeing Simon Silence following a number of jittery people along Raffling Street. He was in full silhouette masquerade, trilling 'You've borrowed the London Blood Scissors' which doesn't put everyone in a carefree mood. Especially when you’ve not been told what the next line is. Still, if it was them they'll all now have plenty of time to have a right old giggle about it.

Oh aye ~ a television presenter found her way inside recently. You probably know her from the Sunday supplements. Our paths haven't crossed yet but by all accounts she's made herself right at home. Drifts along Leporaria Promenade like there was never a time she wasn’t here. Carrying a tatty stuffed toy and her hair a right merry old entanglement. I reckon she’ll become another one of those eternal figures forever wandering within the Everbloom Tea Garden.

Guests often ask me what I like most about working here. I always say that apart from the uniform, created by Thomas Haywire, no less, which is splendidly stylish and dead comfortable, it's that everyday is something different. It's only Thursday and already this week we've had Super-Abundant Ice Cream in the Gothic Hothouse, a spate of careless visitors accidentally Madame Tussauded themselves (nasty), the new Streaming Flux ride simultaneously flooded and folded inside-out, and the Grand Transparent Portraits took severe umbrage with a bag-full of slyly sentient Marzipan Mice who they ended up tormenting something rotten. And then tomorrow there's the Feast of Blue Dusk contestants arriving, and those of you paying attention will know exactly what took place the last time that happened.

I'll sign off by letting you know that any guests that decide to stay overnight at Leporine Pleasure Gardens are always made to feel very welcome, but must follow a few simple rules. Please brush whiskers at exactly midnight. If the illuminated signs say 'Would you mind dreaming underground?' then immediately do that. For those that drift into Renaissance Court, remember that punctuality is the politeness of kings. Avoid bread-and-dripping trees. It's obvious stuff really. Just keep thinking 'dream within a maze of a maze within a dream' and you'll definitely get mostly out of it.