Clutch it Like a Gonk

We confidently predict that Clutch it like a Gonk is the least appalling Moon Wiring Club album to date. But don't just take our word for it ~ have a read of the solicited testimonials replicated below and make up your own mind.

'For many years I had been searching for music that reflected my own hopes and fear, desires and regrets after I had been miniaturised and trapped in a concealed playroom. Now, at last, CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK has brought me comfort.'

~ Sleepy Margaret

'Ever since we ignored a strange young lady's seat reservation at the beginning of a scenic railway holiday, all our family have been slowly shrinking, and we can now only communicate through a disturbing combination of incoherent, guttural squeaks. CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK reflects our state of mind with devastating accuracy.’

~ The Darnton Family

‘Yesterday, whilst out shopping, I took part in a 'tasting survey' for a new kind of Jam. The brand was unfamiliar to me, and the lady conducting the test, while extremely polite and courteous, had an unsettling countenance. This morning I awoke to find myself transformed into a Gonk ~ nothing more than a cheap prize at a disturbing funfair. I don't know who undertook this market research, but quite frankly after listening to CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK, the fingerprints of the Moon Wiring Club are all over it.’

~ Miss Maisie Buncroft

‘Whilst trespassing through the grounds of Mouldsmoth Hall, my wife and I fell through a cattle-grid, and have been trapped ever since. We were unaware that we had been miniaturised, and as such, demand some form of compensation. Perhaps a copy of the new Moon Wiring Club album CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK? We hear that it is exceedingly confusing. Thank you for your kind attention in this matter.’

~ Ramsgill Waddall

‘We recently accidentally used selections from CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK to successfully soundtrack our Autumn/Winter catwalk collection, without first obtaining your blessing. After thinking no more about it, we now find ourselves in the unusual position of finding every model hired, our entire staff and even our very offices dressed in a most unseemly manner, and reduced to a miniaturised scale. We are currently operating from inside a shoebox from within a ghastly hall-of-broken-mirrors, as part of a disorientating and slightly grubby funfair. Assuming some kind of spell has been spoken, it would be greatly appreciated it if you would consider its reversal.’

~ Ruby Malcolm

‘I was sent a free sample of Fancy Fizz ~ the Energetic Beverage. The taste, whilst revolting, nevertheless revealed to me what my life has been missing. It was as if the veil had been lifted. Life for me is now an endless party. All night, every night. It's always a party. Always. Our choice of music? CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK.’

~ Ron Top

‘Sir, I recently released a double concept album of Bewildering British Inorganic Sounds (BISS) entitled 'STRIKE ME ON THE CONK'. When I say 'recently released', obviously I haven't actually written it, but several of your ideas and themes are almost identical to those that I haven't yet thought of. If you could send me complimentary copies of CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK, then I can set in motion the necessary renumeration discussions.’

~ Tony Marzipan

‘Sir, I recently spent a night at the theatre watching Always a Party! starring the incomparable Wendy Vymura. While I enjoyed the show, I couldn't help feeling as if I'd witnessed some of it before. And while I gladly bought a copy of CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK at the interval, when I retuned home I found I already had 43 copies of the album on my coffee-table. Curiously though, each one was ever-so-slightly smaller than the one preceding it. The effect of seeing them 'overlaid' in this manner was rather like peering down a spiral-staircase, and I began to feel an unusual nausea, then fainted. I'm not entirely sure what transpired, but I suspect the Moon Wiring Club are behind it. I fully intend to take this matter to the press, but first, I must hurry-along if I'm to make it to the theatre in time. I have tickets to see Always a Party! and I've been repeatedly informed by a close friend whose name momentarily escapes me that it is indeed a most splendid entertainment.’

~ Dr. Jelly Halliwell

‘Dear Sir, after purchasing CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK to satisfy the demands of my errant nephew and niece, I was cajoled by the strong-minded young pair into visiting Strangewood Fair. The directions to this 'delightful carnival' as advertised in your booklet were slip-shod in the extreme, and I spent several hours performing what was essentially an automotive hokey-cokey through fog-bound lanes to an appreciative audience of two, who found the entire situation highly amusing. A sentiment I did not share. Upon miraculously reaching the alleged location, I was led by my young wards to what can only be described as a ghastly thicket, where for the next two hours I stood exasperated, as these over-imaginative children pretended to have a rambunctious time in an empty field. After I returned them to their grinning parents, I found the upholstery of my automobile festooned with half-eaten toffee-apples, and a cheaply made grotesque soft toy perched upon the drivers seat. It is for this reason that I wish to unsubscribe from your mailing list.’

~ Herbert Brannigan

‘Several days after purchasing a family-size block of Special Nougat as a tea-time treat, I find the pantry repeatedly crammed with carrots, and the croquet-lawn looks as if it has been folded inside-out. None of the staff claim to have any knowledge of how these matters transpired, and fail to take me seriously as I have recently sprouted whiskers, and a huge bushy tail. To cap it all, each evening before I retire for the night, I hear what sounds like the engine of a tiny motor-car circling the grounds of my estate, playing what I can only describe as 'mutated versions' from my favourite record CLUTCH IT LIKE A GONK. Unless you can clarify exactly what is going on, I intend to remonstrate in the severest possible manner.’

~ Lady Hazelmont-Potash